Kids and Cameras

When Naz and Tekaija are around I always have my camera handy, and they almost always want to take pictures with it. I usually let them. They are both very careful, and always remember to put the strap around their necks. The photo above was taken by my nephew Naz of my husband. I think he did really well. Maybe we have a budding photographer on our hands. I really feel a kindred spirit with little Naz. I love Tekaija, Michael, and Brice, but little Naz and I have a special bond because we like the same kinds of things.

Here's the photo that Naz took of me. Boy, I can see my crows feet and my double chin. Although, the picture is technically in focus and he did a good job. I don't like it because I can see the parts of me that I don't like. I dunno how I let myself gain back all that weight that I lost. It's really a downer. I have all this time on my hands now that I am home all day, you would think that I would hop on the treadmill for a 1/2 each day. However, I never seem to get up the motivation to do that.

Well, It's hump day, right? Only two more days until the weekend. You gotta love that.

My little sister Kirstie is getting so grownup. She turned 17 on Friday, and I remember the day that she was born. I was at school, and when I got home there was noone home and I had forgotten my key. I went to my friend Courtney's and called my grandma and she told me that Kirstin had been born. I was sixteen. Even though we are so far apart in age she's so much fun to hang out with. It's nice that we really never had that awkward sister stuff were we hated eachother like Melanie and I did. It's amazing to me that she has known Jerry her whole life. Since she's been alive he's always been around. I even have pictures of him holding her when she was a baby. I think that's really cool. They are as much siblings as she and I are, and you can tell because they tease eachother relentlessly.

This weekend was pretty fun. On Saturday morning Naz and Tekaija were dropped off by their parents. The snow had already started to fall, but no worries, I baked homemade gingerbread houses. They had a blast decorating them, then my husband judged whos was the best. Of couse it was a tie. I thought it was cute that he gave them reasons that he liked each one.
Then we hung out and had Alfredo with chicken for dinner, then we watched Spy Kids.
On Sunday, we woke up and made pancakes and sausage for breakfast. Then everyone had a bath. Naz had his with bubbles. Around 1:00pm my sister Melanie came over and Tekaija and I went to the Nutcracker Ballet. Her exact words when I asked if she had a good time were, "It was AWESOME!"
I am glad that she had a good time. Uncle Jerry and Naz had a good time too. They read books, watched a movie, and took a nap.
After we got back from the Nutcraker we played a bit of Guitar Hero, then packed everything up and went to McDonalds for dinner, then we made the trek to take the critters home.
I felt really good about the weekend. It's so easy to have them over. We have fun, and I am sure that they do too.
I can't wait to see them on Christmas Eve!

Christmas is only a few days away!

Christmas is getting closer. Today at work we had a holiday lunch with our whole department at Jimmy’s, a restaurant that’s close to the office. I had the best French Dip sandwich with aus jux and shoestring French fries. We also got a chance to reveal who our Secret Santa’s were. Mine was a lovely girl named Heather, who was very generous with all my presents.

Tonight I will have to get my house cleaned because in the morning my niece and nephew will be visiting for an overnight. On Sunday Jerry has people over for our fantasy football championship, hence the reason the house needs to be clean. Also on Sunday my niece and I as well as my two sisters will be hitting the theatre. We are going to the Nutcracker at the State Theatre downtown. I am very excited. I hope that Tekaija, my niece will enjoy herself. She loves dancing, so I think she will.

Last night I was able to get Jerry’s gifts wrapped before he got home from work, I just have one gift left to get in the mail. Its expected delivery date is on Monday. It is being shipped from Canada, and for that reason is taking longer then normal. It’s a good thing that I didn’t wait any longer to order it, or it never would have made it here. As it is, I am crossing my fingers and saying prayers day and night that it makes it to my house in time for Christmas Eve night.

Adoption Update: I sent a follow up e-mail to our Social Worker yesterday, I haven't heard from her yet. I expect that she won't get back to me until after Christmas.

Babies

I had a long talk last night with my sister-in-law who is due to give birth on Monday and is very ready to have her pregnancy over. We had a good talk, but then we started talking about how my sister doesn’t talk about having babies with me because she doesn’t want me to be upset because Jerry and I are not able to have them. She said that she was afraid to tell me when she got pregnant because she didn’t want to upset me. I hope I don’t give off this vibe that people are afraid to talk to me about sensitive things.
After talking to her I was so sad. I hadn’t thought about having babies in a while, and everything just came bubbling to the surface, especially when my husband started to tell me how everyone at work is asking questions about our adoption process. It was more then I could handle, I guess, because I awoke in the middle of the night with a panic attack.
I know that it was my own fault for letting everything bottle up the way I do. I know that I need to take better care of myself then that. I wish I would have taken a little time to journal, or call someone that would understand. It’s really hard, because none of my friends and family REALLY understand what it feels like.
Some have been through infertility, but in the end have been blessed with a cuddly baby in their arms that is half them, and half their spouse. They were there for their child’s first breath. I know that I can love a child that is not my “own” with my whole heart, but I worry that I will always feel like I missed out on something. I hope I don’t.

Christmas and Kids

I received my Zero Child Waiting news letter this weekend. It’s a news letter that gets sent out monthly and contains things relating to adoption through foster care etc. I didn’t realize that there are more then 600 kids in foster care right now. There are only 100 or so on the online listing site that I look at once a week: www.marn.org. It gets me curious what other kids are out there that could be ours some day. I know that I have likened it to having a baby before, because you don’t know what you will get. We don’t know if we will get a boy and a girl, or two girls, or two boys. We just don’t know, but the reality is, that we won’t know beyond gender just what we get either. At least with a birth child you know where they come from, and what genetically they could get from you or your husband. I feel like I am putting a lot of trust into the almighty that he will choose for us wisely.
I am letting myself start believing that this will be our last Christmas that we celebrate alone. I am keeping it light though, because I know all to well that things could change in a heartbeat, but I am getting a wee bit excited for it.
This weekend our niece and nephew will be coming over on Saturday. I think Jerry and I have plans to take them to the $ store to get some small things for their parents and grandparents. Then on Sunday my sisters, my niece and I are going to the Nutcracker and my nephew will be spending some quality time with Uncle Jerry. It should be nice. Then, next week is the big week!

Getting Antsy for our homestudy write-up to be done. I am trying not to think about it too much, but every once in a while I start to daydream about how life will change when we have kids. Both my sisters-in-law called this weekend to tell us what they are naming their boys, both due in the next couple months. One will be Bryce and the other will be Isryel. It's weird that they are both interested in replacing the vowel in these names with "y". Well, they are sisters after all. I am looking forward to meeting both these little guys. It would be fun if we get kids around the same time, because then we would all have new kids.

Can you Believe It?

It's already Thursday and I still haven't finished my Halloween Costume. I started it last night, but I want to add more "Stuff" to it. I don't have long. We are expecting people at our house right after work tomorrow to eat Chili, and enjoy Trick-or-Treaters. Then to Par-Tay...
We have a Halloween Party at our house every year. We have more and more guests come every year. This year we are expecting about 60 - 70. I will be taking tons of photos, and I shall share them this weekend, once i recover.
We have a costume contest, and have some really great costumes each year, so it will be tons of fun. I am looking forward to it. Halloween has got to be my favorite holiday.
It will be fun when we have kids to dress up and carve pumpkins with. I will definatly be the mom that goes all out on their costumes, and follows them around the neighborhood when they go out Trick-or-Treating!

At Odds

I had a talk last night with a member of my family that was so upsetting. It was not because they upset me; it was because what we were talking about was upsetting. You see there are people in both of our lives that are not taking good care of themselves, or their families and it’s totally under their own power to fix. How do you make someone become more responsible? As an adult I don’t think it’s possible to force another adult to be responsible without holding them by the hand and doing it with them. But, then you are not helping them be responsible since you are involved in the action.
I am a person who believes that you reap what you sew. I also believe that hard work will pay off. You don’t get something for nothing. So, I sit and stew about it. It’s really hard when you see children being hurt by irresponsible decisions of others. It makes me feel powerless and a bit depressed. I could help, but it would be like giving someone a fish instead of teaching them to catch their own. Ugh, what to do? Do I stick with my principles, or do I concede for the sake of a child?

Kid's Fezs

Kid's Fezs, originally uploaded by Glen Mullaly.

This weekend was so much fun. We had the Rugrats over Friday night. This is the second weekend in a row we have been able to see them.
We did a little Wii Bowling, then played Monkeyball on the Wii. Jerry has been getting really involved with them when they come over. It just melts my heart when he pulls them close and give them a kiss on the top of their heads.
On Saturday we made a big breakfast, painted some pumkins, and then it was off to the Shrine Circus. We took them last year, but they were much more into it this year. Sorry, I have no pictures this year because they busted me at the gate with my camera. UGH. Once Jerry ran back to the car to lock it up, we walked into the arena to hundreds of flashes and cameras. I 'm a bit miffed. I didn't get any pictures of the kids riding the ponies after the performance was over.
We ate quite a bit ; hotdogs, snow cones, cotton candy, mini donuts and nachos. I can't believe we ate so much considering we had lunch before we went.
The kids were also able to get some autographes from clowns and some other acts. It's so cute when children meet clowns. Just the awe on their little faces is fun to watch.
On the way to drop the kids off at home, the rugrats were so sad. They wanted to spend more time with us. I love those little buggers so much.
Can't wait for the new ones to come in the next months.

Little Elves

Little Elves, originally uploaded by gemjlo.

This weekend we had the little monsters over on Saturday night. We woke up yesterday and made a big breakfest. After breakfest we made sugar cookies and then decorated them. We had tons of fun. Little Guy came to us with some new words this weekend. First, we were on the way home from their house and he asked if we could go to Chucky Cheese, and my DH said not this weekend, and little guy's response was , "awe, that's so bogus."
Another new word, "Uncle". Little guy has finally started calling my husband Uncle. Previously, he wouldn't call him anything, or he would need to be prompted. He's so talkative. It's wonderful.
We also got the news on Friday night that their mom is going to have another boy. Sunni showed us the ultrasound pictures, and I think the new little guy has the same profile as little Naz. That's a great thing because he's such a cutie.
Good news for next weekend! We have tickets to the Circus, so we will get to see them again next weekend. Yay!

This weekend is going to be busy. We have to get back in to the SW for our reschedule, then on Wednesday night I have my second sleep study to see if they can figure out why I am not feeling better after starting CPAP. I will be in their offices all day on Thursday for additional test. I am not looking forward to it, but I am optomistic that they will be able to diagnos my sleepiness.

This weekend we had a little visitor. Her name is Savannah and she's our nephew Josh's little one. She's 13 months old and just a cutie. Josh brought her over on Sunday for a couple of hours to visit. Most of the time when he was there he and Jerry watched football, but that was alright with me because I got to spend some time playing with her. Although she's only a little over a year she's got such a personality. She's very curious and has the most infectious laugh. I wish I was able to see her more often. Every time I have seen her I have been tempted to tell Josh that I am willing to babysit whenever, but I know that offer would get abused and so I do not make the offer. I feel like I am losing out, but I know that I wouldn't be able to say no each time he asked. I love having children around, but it also frustrates me to no end when they leave because I have been waiting so long to have my own.

Another thing that makes me feel a little strange is that I am not sure what role I play in Savannah's life. I have parented Josh and feel maternal in that reguard, so she feels a little like a grandbaby, but alas, Josh is not my child, he's my nephew, so she's inevidably just a niece. I wonder how much attachment to her is appropriate. I don't want to step on anyones toes. She has a grandma. So, because of this I remain indifferent to her. I enjoy seeing her when I do, but I don't take any liberties that a grandmother might, by requesting time with her, or doing the little things a grandma might. I feel a bit cheated.

Josh and Elisabeth

I occured to me after Torina asked that I might not have mentioned Josh and Elisabeth before in this blog. Well, here's a bit about Josh and Elisabeth. A year after Jerry and I were married we got custody of his neice and nephew through the county because thier mother lost custody via a child protection call for neglect. At the time Elisabeth was 12 and I think Josh was 15. We had always been close to Josh and his brothers since they were little guys. They came over to our house every weekend to hang out with us, and I suppose to escape a bit. Elisabeth didn't really spend much time with us, and I suppose that was just because Jerry was closer to the boys being a "boy" himself.

Needless to say it wasn't a great experience since the whole family was still involved including their mom. Josh has FASD, but we didn't know it at the time. He has a low IQ and comprehension issues. He is smart enough to want the things that everyone wants, but gets frustrated with relationships and has a hard time working and keeping a job. All of these things we helped him deal with.

Elisabeth was a different story. I am pretty sure that she has RAD. She never really warmed to us and just did her own things no matter what we said or did. We had a very hard time with her running away all the time, stealing from us and other people. She even went to her mom's for a weekend and came home sick. We found out later that mom took her to have an abortion, but no one told us anything. She always went to her mom, which is understandable, but her mom would never keep us in the loop and would try and hide things from us. In the end the only way we could be sure where she was at, was by agreeing that she would live with her mom until she was 18. All in All she lived with us for 4ish years.

We still have an alright relationship with Josh. He calls once a week and comes over about that much, but we don't have much contact with Elisabeth. I don't trust her since she stole over 5000.00 worth of Laptops, Cameras, etc from us, with not so much as a sorry or feeling bad about it. Having read about kids with RAD etc, I understand the behavior, but it's hard when they aren't yours, and thier mom is family. I hope that doesn't sound like I mean that if I ADOPTED kids that it would be hard because they aren't mine. Because, in that situation, they would be mine.

This weekend was a success. You are probably wondering why that might be. Well, first of all, we were lucky enough to have Naz and Tekaija this weekend, and second, I felt like I got a lot accomplished.

Friday, we picked the kids up. It was kind of late, so we just watched a movie and ate some popcorn. We all fell asleep on the couch. On Saturday, we went to my step-dad’s house for a picnic, and to watch the annual Osseo Lion’s Roar parade. I planned ahead this year and brought zip lock bags with the kid’s names on them for all the candy. The plan was to go back to the house and let Naz take a nap, then go up to the fair and have dinner and ride rides. We never made it to dinner and rides because it started raining. So, we took the kids to Chucky Cheese and used up 200+ tokens. That Uncle Jerry is so generous with the little ones. After that we went home and got ready for bed. Sitting on the couch with popcorn we turned out the lights and watched the fireworks from Osseo over the treetops. We have a perfect view from our addition.

Sunday, we woke up and made Cinnamon pull apart for breakfast. Everyone had a bath, and we headed over to Cousin Elisabeth’s Graduation party. Sunni took the kids home from there, and I was able to finish up my laundry and hem my curtains.

Now, I hope that this week just flies by because next weekend we have NOTHING planned and it sounds very good right now.

Wonderful Weekend

This weekend was perfect. Friday I had the day off because I had to finish up my sleep study, and get educated on my new CPAP machine, ugh. It was Jerry’s birthday, but he decided to work anyway, so I had some free time to get some things done. After he got home, he opened his gifts from me: A fancy fishing reel that cost more then my Sigrid Olsen purse, a bottle of his cologne, and a book of baseball parks Now and Then. I think he was pleased because he told me so. Then, we went out to dinner with my sister at what other place then my honey’s favorite, Famous Daves where he ordered his usual Catfish Platter with Fries and Drunken Apples. He never looks at the menu anymore because that’s his favorite. We had a great time laughing and planning our camping trip to my dads in a few weeks. After dinner Jerry wanted to go get a new pole for his reel, so he could use it on Saturday, and some fishing line. Melanie and Scott came with because they were coming over after dinner to have cake. By the time we got done at Gander Mountain, it was poring rain, we all got soaked. When we arrived at the house I lite the candles and we all sang happy birthday and ate cake. Then night ended on a high note.
On Saturday Sunni (my sister-in-law) and her kids, Naz and Tekaija came over to help me make the garden stone for little man boo. We made Chicken Fettuchini, Tekaija’s request, and bread sticks. It was nice enough that we had lunch on the deck. After that we put the stone together, and set it out to dry. By the time we were done, it was time for them to leave. I was sad to see them go, but enjoyed the free time to go shopping for some plants and to buy the next book in the Stephanie Meyer Series, Eclipse, which I proceeded to devour it when I got home. Even though it’s meant as a book for young adults, I am now hooked. I even preordered the newest one that’s set to come out August 2nd.
Sunday was a lazy day. I planted my new plants and helped Jerry assemble the new top to the picnic table. Then it was time for him to get to softball, and I sat down to keep reading my new book.
So, the weather was beautiful, and all in all, I had a great weekend. Seems to me it won’t be as peaceful in a few months. But, I think it will be just as enjoyable and rewarding none-the-less.
Thanks Torina and Glenna, with the comments on my post from a few days ago. I think I will stop worrying about making myself a pest to my SW and find out what’s up.

Our 4th Of July

Maia with a sparkler 2
Originally uploaded by gemjlo

We had a great time on the 4th at our friend Aaron's cabin. There was a bunch of us, and we spent the day in a lazy fashion. We played in the water, went tubing, skiing, we ate, we laughed, and we also played with fire. It will be fun to spend the 4th with children when we have them. Their awe and wonder over sparklers and fireworks is such a fun thing. It will be like experiencing them as children again.

Update on adoption...There's not update, as there's been no progress that I have seen. I have not heard from our SW in a couple of weeks. I will try and contact her again in a few more weeks, as that will be about the time she's supposed to be done with our paperwork.

On a sadder note. We have made the appointment to put our kitty boo to sleep. DH and I both wanted to be there, so Friday was the only day that would work. Unfortunatly, that's DH's birthday too. It's a shame that it has to be that way, but little buddy won't last another week and I definatly don't want him to suffer more then he needs to.
Keep us in your prayers.

SoooooBig

SoooooBig, originally uploaded by gemjlo.

Last weekend we got to attend a surprise birthday part for my husband's neice Ericka. She turned 16. I also got a chance to see this little cutie. Her name is Savannah and she belongs to Joshua. My husband and I had custody of Joshua for 4 years. Since he's been an adult I don't see him as often as I would like, but he always calls to check in. He now lives with his grandma on his mom's side of the family and spends a great amount of time with his mom. She babysits Savannah a lot. I feel a bit left out, but I know that she's Josh's mom and Savannah's grandmom. I just wish I could be a bigger part of both of their lives.

Last night, I was sitting on the couch at 9:00pm when I realized that I hadn't thought about our adoption process all day. For so many days over the past year, it's been obsessively in my thoughts, so it was a weird realization to think that I hadn't mulled over an aspect of it all day. Daily, I check blogs of others who are waiting to adopt, or have already had their children placed with them. I went through that same routine yesterday, and not even then did I think about our process. I was curious to see what other people were up to. Weird that it didn't lead me to thoughts of children I might have.

I think today that I might send my SW a little e-mail to check on the status of our homestudy report. It has been a month since we finished up our interviews, so she should have had a chance to get started on our paperwork.

Last night we also got most of our travel reservations taken care of for our trip to New York and Boston that's right around the corner. It's strange to think that it's only a week away. I am looking forward to flying with my husband for the first time, and getting away from work for the first time since I started this job last August.

This past weekend we spent some time on our boat fishing. Most of the day we didn't catch a darn thing, but toward the end of our trip we began to catch pan fish; Lots of Sunfish. It brought back wonderful memories I have from my childhood.
Just about every weekend as a child until a few years ago was spent at the cabin. I still remember the musty smell of the cabin as it was opened for the first time every spring and the crisp cold air as we closed up the cabin each fall.
So much of my happy childhood memories are from that place. I remember fishing on the dock with my grandpa using cane poles outfitted with only a bobber and a hook, climbing the red ladder onto the dock after swimming for hours until I was so exhausted I could barely eat dinner before falling into bed. I miss so much making a huge breakfast on Sunday morning and playing lawn jarts while we had peanuts and apple juice.
I can’t think of a time when I laughed, played, and felt more at peace then the time spent at our cabin. It’s was magical.
I want my kids to have this experience. I don’t care if it’s at home in the back yard, or daytrips we take as a family. I want them to experience this kind of “magic”.

Announcement

We got the news today that my sister-in-law is expecting a baby in December. Two years ago when she told me she was pregnant with her little man, I was upset because it was not me who got to announce a pregnancy. This time, I knew they were trying to have another baby, so I thought I wouldn't get upset because that I have adoption to look forward to and that would ease the hurt. To my surprise it has not. As soon as I got the news it knocked the wind from me. Why not me?
DH and I have not been trying for about a year now, and even if we were it would take a miracle. Trouble is, I believe in miracles. I know that this feeling will pass as it has done before, and I am truely happy for A and I can't wait until the newest little one arrives.