Thursday, December 18, 2008

Babies

I had a long talk last night with my sister-in-law who is due to give birth on Monday and is very ready to have her pregnancy over. We had a good talk, but then we started talking about how my sister doesn’t talk about having babies with me because she doesn’t want me to be upset because Jerry and I are not able to have them. She said that she was afraid to tell me when she got pregnant because she didn’t want to upset me. I hope I don’t give off this vibe that people are afraid to talk to me about sensitive things.
After talking to her I was so sad. I hadn’t thought about having babies in a while, and everything just came bubbling to the surface, especially when my husband started to tell me how everyone at work is asking questions about our adoption process. It was more then I could handle, I guess, because I awoke in the middle of the night with a panic attack.
I know that it was my own fault for letting everything bottle up the way I do. I know that I need to take better care of myself then that. I wish I would have taken a little time to journal, or call someone that would understand. It’s really hard, because none of my friends and family REALLY understand what it feels like.
Some have been through infertility, but in the end have been blessed with a cuddly baby in their arms that is half them, and half their spouse. They were there for their child’s first breath. I know that I can love a child that is not my “own” with my whole heart, but I worry that I will always feel like I missed out on something. I hope I don’t.

3 comments:

Torina said...

My sister did the exact same thing when she was pregnant. Ironically, she is now struggling to get pregnant the second time. Even though I have three kids I absolutely adore, I still feel a hole in my heart for the child I was never able to have. I wonder occasionally who they would have looked more like, me or my husband, would they be into motors or be a bookworm like me...that sort of thing. I'm okay with not having a child that is my blood, but it certainly doesn't stop my heart from mourning the loss and wondering what it what have been like.

Torina said...

Also, check out http://searchingforonegoodegg.blogspot.com ...she is going through something similar right now...

Gretchen Osowski said...

Thanks Torina